Anyone who knows me can tell you: Iâm usually the one to take charge. Iâll find (and book) all the dinner reservations, send those âWanna hang next weekend?â texts (and follow-up reminders too), and endure three subway transfers just for a quick coffee closer to a palâs place.
Maintaining a friendship requires effort, which most of us are happy to put in for our favorite people. But if it seems like youâre doing all of the emotional heavy lifting, that can start to feel unfair, and, more importantly, itâs also a red flag. Like all relationships, friendships are meant to be mutual, meaning both people should feel loved and appreciated. If youâre the only one making plans and offering support while getting little in return, itâs natural to end up drained, resentful, and even lonely, Tiana Leeds, LMFT, a therapist based in Santa Barbara, California, tells SELF.
To be fair, life can get in the way and our friends canât always be as responsive or available as weâd like. However, there are some key patterns to look for that could show your buddy doesnât value the relationship as much as you do. Here, two therapists share five of those telltale signs.
1. They never call or text first.
Look through your texts and DMs: Are you always sending the first message? Whenâs the last time they suggested hanging out IRL? You can also experiment by not reaching out to see how long it takes for them to initiate contact. If weeks (or months) go by without a word, their silence may indicate whoâs really holding this connection together.
For a friendship to thrive, there has to be mutual effort, Leeds says. Someone who truly cares about you should want to know whatâs going on in your lifeâmaybe with a quick âHow are you?â or a scheduled phone call when youâre both available. âAt a minimum, a good friend (even a busy one) will periodically check in out of curiosity and interest to see how youâre doing,â she says. So if they canât even manage to get in touch first from time to time (or consistently expect you to do so), it suggests they may not be genuinely interested in your world.
2. They rely on you for help with their problems, but you never get support for yours.
Venting to the folks who know you best is natural and can even strengthen your bond, but being there for each other should be a two-way street, Hope Kelaher, LCSW, author of Here to Make Friends: How to Make Friends as an Adult, tells SELF.
If someone unloads their laundry list of problems but doesnât listen to yours, âtheyâre likely using you as their on-call therapist,â Kelaher says. This one-directional dynamic could look like a pal who constantly complains about their boss but changes the subject whenever you open up about your work-related stress. Or they dominate dinner conversations with their dating disasters, yet theyâre âbusy,â uninterested, or MIA when you need relationship advice. Over time, investing all your time and energy into people who wonât give back can drain your energy, Leeds says, and leave you feeling neglectedâby a person whoâs supposed to have your back.
3. They only see you when itâs convenient for them.
Maybe they insist on eating at restaurants much closer to their house, which means you have to travel across town every single time. Or they only invite you out when their other weekend plans fell through (âHey, my dinner got canceled. Wanna hang out?â), making you feel more like an afterthought than a priority.