Anyone who knows me can tell you: I’m usually the one to take charge. I’ll find (and book) all the dinner reservations, send those “Wanna hang next weekend?” texts (and follow-up reminders too), and endure three subway transfers just for a quick coffee closer to a pal’s place.

Maintaining a friendship requires effort, which most of us are happy to put in for our favorite people. But if it seems like you’re doing all of the emotional heavy lifting, that can start to feel unfair, and, more importantly, it’s also a red flag. Like all relationships, friendships are meant to be mutual, meaning both people should feel loved and appreciated. If you’re the only one making plans and offering support while getting little in return, it’s natural to end up drained, resentful, and even lonely, Tiana Leeds, LMFT, a therapist based in Santa Barbara, California, tells SELF.

To be fair, life can get in the way and our friends can’t always be as responsive or available as we’d like. However, there are some key patterns to look for that could show your buddy doesn’t value the relationship as much as you do. Here, two therapists share five of those telltale signs.

1. They never call or text first.

Look through your texts and DMs: Are you always sending the first message? When’s the last time they suggested hanging out IRL? You can also experiment by not reaching out to see how long it takes for them to initiate contact. If weeks (or months) go by without a word, their silence may indicate who’s really holding this connection together.

For a friendship to thrive, there has to be mutual effort, Leeds says. Someone who truly cares about you should want to know what’s going on in your life—maybe with a quick “How are you?” or a scheduled phone call when you’re both available. “At a minimum, a good friend (even a busy one) will periodically check in out of curiosity and interest to see how you’re doing,” she says. So if they can’t even manage to get in touch first from time to time (or consistently expect you to do so), it suggests they may not be genuinely interested in your world.

2. They rely on you for help with their problems, but you never get support for yours.

Venting to the folks who know you best is natural and can even strengthen your bond, but being there for each other should be a two-way street, Hope Kelaher, LCSW, author of Here to Make Friends: How to Make Friends as an Adult, tells SELF.

If someone unloads their laundry list of problems but doesn’t listen to yours, “they’re likely using you as their on-call therapist,” Kelaher says. This one-directional dynamic could look like a pal who constantly complains about their boss but changes the subject whenever you open up about your work-related stress. Or they dominate dinner conversations with their dating disasters, yet they’re “busy,” uninterested, or MIA when you need relationship advice. Over time, investing all your time and energy into people who won’t give back can drain your energy, Leeds says, and leave you feeling neglected—by a person who’s supposed to have your back.

3. They only see you when it’s convenient for them.

Maybe they insist on eating at restaurants much closer to their house, which means you have to travel across town every single time. Or they only invite you out when their other weekend plans fell through (“Hey, my dinner got canceled. Wanna hang out?”), making you feel more like an afterthought than a priority.